Aug 5, 2017

Am I done?

This years main events are over. World Championships and The World Games. These two were the main goals on horizon since last year. Maybe I'll comeback later to evaluate and tell some stories, maybe not. Anyway, this post is about other. I would not recommend to read to those, who has motivation problems. And maybe to impressionable persons. It's like watching someone dying: not the most funniest thing in the world, but still interesting, because it's the part of life.

I faced some questions for me from myself: am I done in sport? Is it all? Is this the end?
Maybe this is just some moment weakness. Maybe I just have to take some rest, as physical as mental (I have been on camps and travels since January almost all the time).
I can't really indicate the reason of such a questions, you simply fell it.
Also I have to be truly with you, the reader :), I have some injuries now, after those events, so I probably can't be objective because of this too.

Some other questions are:
Do I have the problems with motivation? Am I mentally tired? Do I want to put my shoes on and go for a run? Do I have to do this? Do I have to do any activities by my body, if I don't have any wish?

And I do understand these questions are not healthy. They suppose does not exist in a healthy athletes head. Olli Ojanaho definitely doesn't ask such a questions himself. So it means I have some problem.

This problem also related to quality of my life, my future.
Maybe some day I'll write the post about money and earnings. Anyway, now I get around  230 euro per month (2760 per year). I do sport. I have to run. And I get money for this activity. Our ministry of sport hired me and some others as well.
230 euro per month is around middle salary here in Ukraine nowadays, so I can't complain. Maybe in capital Kyiv they are higher, but not that much. 2 rooms apartments might cost around 20-30 000 euros. The cars are expensive. Maybe same prices as in Norway, but definitely higher than in Sweden.
Anyway. 230 per month if I run around top 20 at WOC or EOC and there is not so many Ukrainians who do this too. I was top 20 at World Cup and WOC this year, so I think I can get this 230 for next year, or at least 1/2 of it, if I continue my trainings.
Our militarists also got interested in orienteers this year, so they maybe will hire some of us for next 3 years. The salary might be also around 200 euro per month.
About increasing life quality. Earlier this year I wrote about visa problems. OK Ravinen decided to hire me as a coach for the club and we applied for this work early February. (Waiting times for decisions in Swedish migration agency is 7-14 months now).
Probably I'll get work permit and have to start work. It means move to Sweden. I'll be employed around 50-60%. Of course, the club is interested in me as in a runner, that's why they hire me. So, I have to run, at least on some level, of course it would be nice to have me at my best.
I don't remember myself had the wish to move in Nordic countries for a life, to live there. I had a wish to live there for trainings, not for a life.

So, the move from Ukraine to Sweden is some thing. Does it motivate me? ─ No. Does it inspire me for trainings? ─ No. Do I want to? ─ No. Do I want to stay in Ukraine, do I want to live here? ─ I don't know, I don't have any such a specific wish either.

Probably some day I will get kids. If I try to look objectively where is better to have a life for them, here in Ukraine or there in Sweden, the answer probably is obvious ─ there in Sweden. Because of higher life quality. It's not that bad in Ukraine, but still. There is some exceptions, as Singapore, but it is a question when Ukraine will get to more or less central European countries life level. Probably I'll not see this.
And coming back to kids. It's might be better for them there, but is it better for me? I'm out of social life there, at least I'll be for first years or maybe all the rest of my life.

If I quit now, what should I do? I will stay here in Ukraine. I'll need to find some work. Maybe I'll earn those 200 euro per month. If I'll progress maybe some day I'll earn some 2000 euro per month (yes, here is some who does). Or maybe I'll not and shoot myself some sunny day.
I can comeback from Sweden more or less any time. If I'll not get there now, maybe I'll not get such an opportunity never ever.

So, I start to feel a bit as prostitute (probably).
I can sell by body (skills) for money to someone without wish to do (at least now) some activities.
I can continue competing for salary from ministry of sport, from military, from OK Ravinen. But I'll have to run once or twice a day, don't drink too much of alcohol, sleep, eat, take care of myself. And the problem that I don't want to or more correct to say I don't wish to do so.
Or I can quit and give a shit to all the problems, peoples and questions. But I'll face some new.

I had admit there might be some important questions in life, decisions about which might be done so easily. Questions about your future might be taken while you run on path at training on your way to 13th control.

I was sad to read last year, when Emma Klingenberg finished her career.
I know, some people will get sad if I quit. But this is my life, not theirs. I'm here not for make them happy or glad. If I don't feel happy, why should I care about someone else happiness?!

At The World Games in Poland I took 4th place in sprint. 2 seconds to 3rd. I could get also around 8000 euro from or government as a prize. Could I be more motivated than, with medal and valuable money or still face same questions? I don't know.

By the way, nice picture from Belarusian champs, if I would like to stop.

Fully shows that if I quit now, I'll do this as loser, not the winner:



What should I do?

1 comment:

  1. Хватит ныть. Мотивация - хуяция. С меня бери пример, нихуя не тренькалась, оп блядь, международница. Так то.

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